Most every morning when I wake up, the first thing I think is, "Brandon's dead, and I'll never see him again." It is hard to think that and then think about how to have a good day. I don't think it in a sad way, just factual. But it is a shame. I feel shame that there were other days that I could have woken up and not thought that, days when he was alive, and I took those days for granted. And not all of those days were days when I would have wanted to see him or speak to him. In fact, there were many days that I dreaded that he might call or text because he was gone out beyond what I could deal with for a long time before he died.