roosterhttps://rooster.smol.pub2024-03-29T01:13:47Zroosterroosterdrs@proton.meHappy [Pre]Birthday2024-03-24T23:24:41Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2024-03-24:/prebday<p>Just over a week from now is what would've been your 46th birthday. I wish we could hang out and play Wizards & Warriors until three or four in the morning. Maybe Bosconian! I miss your laugh little bro. We had so many good times! </p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meSome Recent Thoughts2023-12-19T00:27:51Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-12-19:/somethoughts<p>Been seeing a lot of your boys lately as we celebrate the Yule. Of course, my kids, Maggie, and I are thinking of you so much these days because it is hard to celebrate without you. Also, this is the time of year when you ended up in the hospital. I retrace what I was doing each of these days two years ago as I sat by your side while you tried to get better. I think about the times when you made no sense. I think about the times when you did and how we never quite touched on your regret and sadness. I always wish we would have. I only imagine it was there because it went unsaid. </p>
<p>Now, I just wish you hadn't left us all so soon. </p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meRunaround2023-12-10T02:28:04Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-12-10:/runaround<p>I was thinking about you when I wrote this song. </p>
<p><a href="https://dustinsander.bandcamp.com/track/runaround">https://dustinsander.bandcamp.com/track/runaround</a><br/>
</p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meUp in the Woods2023-11-21T23:58:54Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-11-21:/dirge2<p>Here we are at almost-Thanksgiving. Miss you even though we hardly ever spent this holiday together. </p>
<p>I remember one year having to go to a Thanksgiving we would have liked to avoid and we both knew it would be okay because we would be there together. I think I'll just avoid those like that from now on.</p>
<p>That's part of why I like it here in the woods. It's peaceful with good company and isolated, but I always think of you and what you are doing. So now, I just miss your being on the planet.</p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meHard Times2023-11-11T22:53:12Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-11-11:/hardtodeal<p>I guess right now I am having a difficult time with your death. Just before you died two years ago, I was about to go on the same trip as every year, but I had no idea where you were or how you were doing. I hadn't know for several months. You had stopped communicating with me and everyone. You were homeless, and I was always waiting to hear the worst. It is strange how I relive this feeling every year now like a theatrical dirge. It is a ritual of sadness that will lead to the anniversary of your death. I think back and cannot figure out how I coped as it was happening. </p>
<p>I have missed you for so many years. Your struggle was long and opaque. Mine is now enigmatic and lingering. I guess that's why I am writing so often these days.</p>
<img src="/brandonswing.jpg"/>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meSingle Wing2023-11-09T01:46:51Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-11-09:/wing<p>Inside of your Jeep, since the first day I bought it, there hangs from the rearview mirror a small, silver, single wing on a short string. I could tell right away that it was important to you, but I didn't know why.</p>
<p>As I slowly made you car mine, I would always look at it and try think of a reason why it was there and what it meant to you. I had all kinds of theories, from a secret girlfriend to an important gift from a friend.</p>
<p>But what I always came back to was the idea that it represented the secret or hidden parts of you that I have never truly known and would never know---those things that are true of all people that only exist inside of those people because they are not shareable. I came to think of it as a representation of the life of your mind as an individual. It is, in that way, what is truly lost by your dying, and I love it because of that reminder. </p>
<p>A while after I had owned your Jeep for many months, I asked your ex what the wing was. She told about where you got and why it was important to you, but that story didn't matter. </p>
<p>I know what it is.</p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meWinter Beard2023-11-08T02:06:13Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-11-08:/bearded<p>From year to year, I sometimes grow out my beard.</p>
<p>I always have a beard.</p>
<p>You did too.</p>
<p>When I let it grow long for the winter,</p>
<p>I think of you</p>
<p>And how </p>
<p>We</p>
<p>Both</p>
<p>Grew our beards.</p>
<p>Our dad thought we were weird for doing it.</p>
<p>But it wasn't from him.</p>
<p>These are ours from our mom's men.</p>
<p>This beard used to be ours, but now it is just mine.</p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meThoughts this Fall2023-11-07T00:13:10Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-11-07:/fallthoughts<p>Well, Brandon, I've been thinking about you a lot these days. I make a good deal of jokes about you being dead. Most of these jokes don't fly with my girls who are still struggling with you being gone. It really doesn't seem real to them because they did not get to go into the hospital when you were dying because of the COVID restrictions. I guess the point is we really miss you.</p>
<p>We miss your goofy laugh, which Major has by the way. We miss your smile and wry derision. I think about you whenever I eat or see Whoppers because you said they were old-people candy. I wish I could give you a hug. </p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meRandom Japan Thoughts2023-06-13T07:30:35Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-06-13:/randojapan<p>1. A cultural difference that I notice is that it would appear Japanese people have a much better sense of their place within a larger whole than Americans do. We are so obsessed with individuality and uniqueness that we miss the value of our place in the whole. Thusly, we often lack pride in the larger things we are a part of, like our country, culture, home.</p>
<p>2. A list of wildlife I have seen: </p>
<ul>
<li>Raven </li>
<li>Sparrows </li>
<li>Bats </li>
<li>Huntsman Spider </li>
</ul>
<img src="/huntsman.jpg"/>
<ul>
<li>Crane </li>
<li>White Ducks </li>
<li>Female Deer</li>
<li>Big Turtle</li>
<li>Tiny Crabs & Hermit Crabs</li>
<li>Snails</li>
</ul>
<p>3. I was talking to our tour guide, Bunya, about wild monkeys in Japan, and he said they are everywhere. His parents have to fight them off almost daily. He said that his parents often wish they had a rifle or pistol, but it is very difficult to get a permit for one. Then, it is extremely hard to get ammunition. It was a tough thought to unpack for an American . . . trying to fight off monkeys without a gun! Even the most liberal American would be like, "Let's just shoot these bastards!"</p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meBad Dreams at Mt. Fuji2023-06-12T21:25:44Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-06-12:/fuji<p>I had a bad dream about you last night as I slept here next to Mt. Fuji, Brandon. The gist of the dream was that I was driving both your cars around and someone was trying to take them from me. I awoke grunting as someone was trying to take our Jeep! I think it happened because just before bed last night, I posted on here my first thoughts that weren't about you. My brain was connecting you to where I am now.</p>
<p>Would love to drive around here in the TJ!</p>
<img src="/fuli.jpg"/>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meTokyo Thoughts #22023-06-12T12:03:10Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-06-12:/tokyo2<p>Almost no one in Tokyo looks at you on the streets, at least not in the eyes. I feel like this is respectful, but VERY different than in the US.</p>
<p>This phenomenon is the same in big US cities, though. Certainly, in Chicago people also avoid looking at strangers. It just felt like I was so separate from the citizens of Tokyo.</p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meTokyo Thoughts #12023-06-12T11:56:41Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-06-12:/tokyo<p>I spent the last few days in Tokyo. It is an amazing place. The people are very proud of where they live and they take good care of it. They are nice and welcoming. It makes me think that Americans have forgotten how to be kind and how to care for our culture.</p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meTop Off til Fall2023-05-19T13:50:44Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-05-19:/topoff<p>I took the top off the Jeep for the summer and am driving it to work every day now. I bought a new cover for the rain. On my way in this morning, I was feeling pretty awesome toolin' around with my music blastin'. Made me think of you, buddy. </p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meHockey on a Late Wednesday2023-03-02T04:56:17Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-03-02:/hockey<p>Just sitting here thinking of you while I watch the Avs. I missed you earlier today too brother when I saw a hilarious hick on Insta named cornbreadcowboi. Hilarious!</p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meRooster's Brother2023-01-15T15:59:42Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2023-01-15:/tattoo<p>Hey Brandon,</p>
<p>I got this tattoo on my arm now. It mostly makes me think of when I had your phone at my house just after you died, and I was looking through it to see what we needed to get off of it before we tossed it. </p>
<p>In your contacts, I was listed as Rooster. Of course, you barely ever called me anything else since I was ten and you were eight. </p>
<p>Hardly anyone calls me that now. So I got a big old rooster tattoo on my forearm. I think you would think it is silly. That makes me smile and laugh. I love you little brother, and miss you.</p>
<img src="/tattoo.jpg"/>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meAlone2022-07-16T14:26:05Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2022-07-16:/alone<p>Lately I have been feeling that now that my only sibling is dead I'm more alone in the world. I have written before about how he was the only other person who knew me that well, including being children together. But now I am starting to feel a scary freedom. I am the last of our little family's second generation. Both of our parents are still alive, so I am not the last of my family. But when you grow up close to a sibling, you feel a shared evaluation of things because when you were kids you experienced all the new things together. My brother and I were just two years apart in age, so we were always in this life together, until now.</p>
<p>I don't know exactly what this feeling is, but it is a kind of scary lonesomeness. I often think that I should tell Brandon about something after it happens, only to remember that he is dead. I still want to call him and ask what he thinks.</p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meDisturbed2022-06-22T15:09:57Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2022-06-22:/disturbed<p>I recently started dreaming about Brandon. My daughter told me that when you dream about dead people, that means they are reaching out to contact you, or something like that. But I think it just means that I am coming to terms with the fact that he is dead. I had a very good friend of mine die when I was 20, and the same thing started happening after a while. Anyway, most of the dreams I have about Brandon are not good. He is almost always in trouble---things are slipping. But what disturbed me about the dream I had last night is that there were lots of indications that he had been trying different things to fix his situation. When someone dies because of addiction or suicide, survivors are left with a lot of regret, and most of the time, we use that regret to increase our pain. I do it to myself with Brandon, some, not a lot. The one that actually hangs me up is when I think about how he could have helped himself.</p>
<p>I woke up sad this morning because in the dream I just had, Brandon was slipping, but he had already moved to another place, trying something different. In the dream, another complication in his life popped up, and he immediately got on the phone and found a solution. It made me proud of him that he could solve problems for himself. I wish that would have been true in his real life.</p>
<p>His old Jeep was in the dream too. We were driving around in it and something broke. I immediately started thinking of ways to fix it. As soon as I woke up, I started thinking about how I fix the Jeep because I can't fix the fact that Brandon is dead. I can't go back in time and fix his situation---I don't want to anyway because what I really wish is that he knew how to do that stuff. I have felt for a long time that a ton of Brandon's problems came down to the fact that he counted on others to fix his problems and never learned how to do it himself. </p>
<p>When it comes to that Jeep, I think I like to work on it to remind myself that I can fix things when they go bad. I don't have to get sad and feel like giving up, giving in. I can try something that might make it better. I can't fix the fact that my brother is dead, but I can keep reminding myself that when things go bad, I can try to make it better. I wish Brandon would have known that he could have done the same.</p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meLoss2022-06-12T15:08:45Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2022-06-12:/loss<p>Imagine your favorite thing that you own. For whatever reason, it is the material thing that you most enjoy. When you are having a bad day or a good day, it is always comforting to have and use that thing. You are definitely attached to it. Now imagine it is gone. One day you wake up and it is missing. There is no hope of finding it. Maybe you know exactly what happened to it. you know where it is. But it is completely destroyed. You could replace it with a very similar thing, perhaps an exact replacement. But that new one will never be the original.</p>
<p>I would say that our attachment to others is also material in nature. Our relationships, while deeply personal, spiritual, and meaningful, are necessitated by our physical existence. We do not know anyone for any other reason than that we are all here together sharing this physical existence. When a person dies, the loss is a material loss. And that is what hurts the most about losing a person. The non-material parts of our relationships with people are always with us---those portions of our existence live in our psyches as something more than purely tangible. We can access what is beyond physical about a person without that person being there physically because a part of a person lives in our minds as a perception, an idea. What hurts is the material, physical loss of a person. I will never see my brother again.</p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meMemory2022-06-03T14:40:45Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2022-06-03:/memory<p>We're going to have a get-together tomorrow to celebrate Brandon's life. So for the a while I have been helping to gather pictures and songs for the party. As I have worked on this, I have naturally seen and thought of many memories of my brother. But Memory is a trickster, and one that can be harmful or helpful. And most of what we remember is not the way that the past actually happened because memory isn't just thought or record alone, but also our emotions shading everything.</p>
<p>For the party, we have created a memory book for folks to write one great memory of Brandon. Firstly, I have a lot of trouble choosing just one. And secondly, not all of my memories of him are good---not by a longshot. Of course, the book is meant to collect good thoughts about his life, and I hope his sons can read through it one day to get an idea of what people liked about Brandon. So now I want to choose a good one and write it down. I want it succinct, as real as possible, and realistically representative of who he was. Now I will think through my memories like I looked through his pictures.</p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.meFirst Summer2022-05-26T17:49:43Ztag:rooster.smol.pub,2022-05-26:/first-summer<p>Summer is an important time when it comes to me and my brother because when we were kids in the summer, we were home alone together a lot. That's when we really got to know each other. We spent all day together out in the country, just the two of us. We had to find many things to do together and try to stay out of trouble until our parents got home. We became friends and sometimes enemies.</p>
<p>This will be the first summer in which I do not hang out with Brandon. It will be infinitely strange. Over the past few years, summer has been hard because I believe he has been jealous that I have the summers off and he doesn't. I don't really know that for sure, but it seems like that was the case. Anyhow, I won't see him this year. He won't be jealous. But I will drive his old Jeep with the top down, just like he used to do. </p>roosterroosterdrs@proton.me